Missing them more than they miss you

My 9 year old, Zachaeus went away with my sister and brother-in-law and their son this weekend to a cabin in Willsboro. He loves the outdoors fishing and hunting. He was gone since Thursday, 5 nights and 5 and a half days. The house was so quiet and still. I was so bored I actually cleaned just for something to do. He had a great time and I hardly think he even noticed he wasn't at home. I, on the other hand, felt so out-of-sorts. Up until the last year or so we have never been away from each other for more than one night. I was always the kind of mom who would rarely go out  or be away from my children other than going to work from 8 am to 4pm Mon-Fri and that was only out of necessity. I believe kids grow up so fast and you should savour every moment you can with them. There's plenty of time for coming and going when they grow up. As a parent you have to sacrafice your own self indulgences to put your children first and that is the committment you make from the very moment of conception. You do begin to realize though, as your child begins to spread his wings and become more independent , that there will come a day that you are no longer the center of their world as they are yours. This is beginning to emerge with my baby now. He wants to be with his friends and spend less time with mommy. He doesn't need to hold my hand when crossing the street or while in a shopping mall. He has graduated from a calling me mommy to mom and his signs of affection are limited to the privacy of home now. The 'I love you more..." challenges have dwindled and I find every opportunity to grasp for cuddle time and hugs and kisses whenever I can. As fascinating and rewarding as it is to watch my youngest son grow up it is equally bittersweet. Although I went through this all with my oldest son who is now 19, I somehow found consolation in knowing I still had my baby boy at home. Now I have to face this again  but this time there is no consolation, this is it, my boys will be grown up and I will have to fill the void that is created by this. It is so hard to truly describe how this feels. For the last 19 years my whole life was consumed and so full of my children. Everything I did was motivated by motherly love for them. My friends, my activities, my pleasure, my day to day existence revolved around them. Now I will have to rebuild my life to fill that purpose with a new direction. And though I would love nothing more than to always remain the center of their world, I cannot be selfish. I have to let them fly and be their own person and have their own life and know that even if I am not the center of their life, deep down inside me, they will always be the center of mine. And that is how I know that as each day passes and they grow up I am missing them more than they miss me.